the dreaming pool

Well, for anyone who actually follows this blog (all 2 of you), you may have noticed that I've removed the prose and dreams  - for now, and returned to the simple blog type style.  Once again the rants and ravings of this mad lunatic is on display.
So why no more prose? I'm making my prose more precious, and actually publishing a book of it - with paper, and graphics, and that sort of antiquated thing. As for the dreams, well, I've decided that I need to be a more disciplined dreamer, and concentrate on the meaning of them, and what my Dreamer is trying to tell me, rather than post them randomly on the internet.

Of course that leaves this journal, which I have all but abandoned, until now.  Truth is, I don't know where Dreaming Pool is headed; much like myself, it's on a strange journey, turning into something else, and not quite sure as to it's future.  I don't know yet what it wants to be, or if it wants to be anything at all.  Once again, the dreaming pool goes into a misty place, unsure if it will emerge to see daylight again.

I'll attempt to make nifty little entries once in a while.

And that, as they say, is that. I'm off to create more graphics, for that prose that I value. There needs to be at least one of me who does! 

I should keep in practice of writing in this space.  It's a should, and I hate shoulds. Shoulds are like annoying flys buzzing around my ears in the middle of the night. I want to swat them.

I have been writing more Prose (for anyone bothering to check out that section, you can get there by perusing that left hand menu there), and I've been writing that book I've promised out loud to be writing.  No really, I really HAVE been writing it.  I have no idea what it wants to be yet however.  It's all a bit of a mess.

Everytime I publish a poem I hit my little "Musings" space and think "Oh I really SHOULD update that", and then it eats at me a little each day.  When it comes to pressure can't we all just pressure our own selves the very best?

The work I've been doing has a lot to do with letting that inner wild child out, let her express herself a little bit. This seems to include of late a lot of talking back, a lot of sarcasm, jokes, attitude and a little pissiness. It all seems to be okay however.  That general pissiness has me really wanting to say "Screw all things that start with SHOULD!".  What is a Should anyway, but a self imposed or outwardly imposed standard, that rarely meets up with what we all REALLY want to do.  And if I'm honest, I don't REALLY want to be updating anything at all.  I just want to write my prose and my book and do my healing work.  Maybe join a few writing groups, maybe see if I can actually publish something.  I haven't felt like Twittering or Facebooking or catering to other people's passive agressive behaviour.  I know, that last one wasn't exactly a social media thing, but it still counts. This girl just wants to, in the words of Cyndi Lauper, have fun.

I'll update the damn Musings section when I bloody well feel like it.  Maybe that's tomorrow, or maybe it's in a month.  And if my friends want to know about me, well hell, maybe they can call me for a change.

I know I know, it's a pissy entry, I should have warned you. I should have posted a caveat -

or I could just let you discover something about me for yourself.  I'm not always a pretty or perfect picture, none of us are. I'm not always happy, and I'm pretty frank about how I feel. For sure I hate external expectations and internal dialogues that do nothing for me.

Go read some Prose, I could do with some feedback. I want to publish afterall.
And in time, I'll get past the pissiness and post something else.

Probably less pissy.

Probably.

I don't know why I'm doing it.
Well okay, I know some of why, but none of it makes much sense. Being a laid off person I should, according to all social convention, be busily looking for work, saving all my funds, and generally, be a very practical person. What I am doing however, is anything but practical.

I've been told practical doesn't serve us very well however. And ultimately, I have to agree. Life is NOT practical at all.

I came out to the West Coast to heal, to grow, to learn. I came, because it was an opportunity I knew I may never see again to do the personal work I wanted, and needed, to do. I didn't expect to stay but for a couple of months, which in and of itself seemed quite extraordinary. I came while I got my stuff together to go back to school. I was going to retrain for other work, which all in all seemed quite practical. Again, I was being very sensible really.

As I went along and did my work however, I realized, that I really didn't want to go back to school for what I had planned for. I didn't really want to do the expected thing. I wanted more adventure. I wanted more healing. I wanted more growth.

So the idea began to germinate that, really, if I wanted to, I could do ANYTHING. I didn't have to be stuck with what I thought was the “right” thing to do. I didn't have to go back. I could stay. Why not? I could keep up with the work I'm doing, I could write, really write. I could finally commit to that book I've been threatening to write for some time now. The idea had a lot of strength to it. And even though it makes no sense, and I have no job or apartment, and it requires a long cross country drive and money I don't have to spend, well, I've decided to do it all ANYWAY.

So here I go. I am embarking on a strange, faith filled journey. I'm excited and totally terrified. I have a feeling however this is exactly what I need to do. I have a feeling I need to do this adventure. I need to do what I need to do for myself, regardless of the naysayers (of which I'm sure there will be a few). I need to live my own dreams now. I need to take the risks and be the ultimate Fool.

So here's to the journey ahead; a long cross Canada drive, through Prairies and Mountains, and finally, to the ocean on the West. Where I end up in the end I have no idea, but right now, it's more about the journey than anything else.

West Coast here I come, and to my old life, I bid it a fond farewell. Although I was not happy, it did bring me here, and I have found myself here, I have met myself at last. I have to say the person I'm meeting enjoys the adventure, and embraces the new vistas yet to come. I want to know this person more, she's a cool chic, and I hope to love her and embrace her completely.

Hello Road, here I come.

I realize I have not posted for a long time. There I go, starting something new saying I'm going to be a posting maniac and then go and not do much. However, I've been very busy and consumed with a healing journey that has me far away, and not involved much with the computer at all.  And, I'm grateful for this actually.  I'm out in nature a lot more than I am inside, and even when inside I'm usually not on the computer.   It's good to be reminded that there are other, far more meaningful things in the world, than laptops and the internet.

So, it may be awhile before I post anything of great meaning.  Self healing journeys and work tend to be quite personal, and, no offense, I'm not sure I want to post such personal information and sacred information here for all eyes to potentially see. Not to mention the ceremonies and work are, well, not for public consumption.

What is for sure however is that at the end of this two month process I surely will be a different person than I was going in.  It's both a wonderful and slightly scary proposition.  Who am I if I'm not THIS person I know right now? Who am I without all my bullshit and defences? Who is anyone? It's entirely new territory, and I find myself at the edge of a cliff, some sort of wings fastened about me, and slightly unsure if I'm able to fly. The only clear thing is, I DO have to take that leap.

I'm sure I'll be back posting again, but for now, while I do this work, I wouldn't expect too much.

I got far more important things to do than type in a word editor,
I have my whole life to dream and bring forth into the world.

Just a breif note, as I sit in the Vancouver airport, awaiting my connecting flight to Nanaimo. 
As the plane flew in over and eventually beside the great Rockies, I was in awe.  I felt like I was 11 years old all over again; back when I first saw those beautiful mountains, as my parents drove to Jasper, Alberta.  I marvelled at how people not only did not look at the beauty that surrounded us, but in fact seemed quite blase about it, and uncaring. 

I know that some have seen it before, but even so, how can one not marvel at this gorgeous landscape? I think that if I lived here, I would awake each morning, and catch my breath each time I looked out onto the mountains and the ocean once more.

It's gorgeous here, and I feel absolutely certain, here is where I must be right now.